The body I should always have had

I’ve always been a bit of a chunk.

Even when I was little, I loved my food. And I’m still not entirely sure whether eating was a form of protection for me, or whether that was simply the story I told myself so I could carry on eating whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, without feeling too guilty about it.

I told myself that I would make people like me regardless of my weight. That I could be funny, kind, interesting, successful all the things that really matter and surely nobody would care that I was carrying a few extra pounds.

Except, somewhere along the way, I discovered that apparently, you can be almost anything in this world… except fat.

There seems to be very little tolerance for people who are overweight, and even less for women who are overweight. And then there’s that wonderfully backhanded compliment:

“Well, you’ve got such a pretty face.”

Because apparently that makes it all better.

It doesn’t.

My mum was always telling me, “Lose it now or you’ll regret it after 40.”

At the time, I had absolutely no idea what she was talking about.

Then I turned 40.

And suddenly I understood.

Because what might once have shifted relatively easily seemed to dig its heels in and announce, “Right, I live here now.”  Here I am now at 53, resembling a rather well-filled barrel.

I’ve tried the exercise. I’ve tried cutting out entire food groups. I’ve tried the fat jabs. I’ve tried being “good”. I’ve tried being really, really good.

I have a fantastic day where I eat all the right things, exercise, drink plenty of water and go to bed feeling righteous.

Then the next day arrives.

And suddenly there’s something I “shouldn’t” be eating, and apparently, I have absolutely no willpower whatsoever.

But recently, I’ve started learning about something that might actually be more important than willpower:

Discipline.

Because apparently discipline doesn’t care how you feel.

It doesn’t care whether you’re tired, hormonal, fed up, bored, stressed or standing in front of the fridge at 9pm having a conversation with yourself about which food group cheese counts as.

Discipline says: You know what you want. You know why you want it. You have a plan. Now follow the plan.

And that got me thinking.

Maybe I’ve spent far too many years trying to achieve the “body beautiful”.

Actually, scrap that.

I don’t want the body beautiful.

I want the body I should have always had — healthy, strong, capable and comfortable in its own skin.

Less fat. More muscle. More tone. More energy.

Because ultimately, that’s what this is about.

Health.

If you don’t have your health, you really do have very little else. A healthy body gives you the best chance of dealing with everything life throws at you.

And bloody hell, doesn’t that become obvious after 50!

Then there’s menopause.

I started menopause in my 40s, so I’m well and truly in the thick of it now. In some ways, I think I got off relatively lightly. I never suffered terribly with hot flushes or night sweats, so I’m certainly not complaining about that.

But there are other things.

The continuous brain fog.

The memory that seems to have packed a suitcase and gone on holiday without telling me.

The cortisol that apparently has no intention of ever leaving me alone.

The thinning, limp hair.

The general lacklustre feeling about… well… just about everything….Except eating.

Funny how that one thing still works perfectly.

And the more I learn, the more I realise that menopause changes an awful lot about what is happening inside our bodies — including how and where we store fat, how we respond to exercise and food, and how important muscle becomes as we get older.

Which is why I’ve started reading “All You Need to Know About: Fat Loss” by Neil Smithers.

It’s the first in a series of books he has written to help empower people to become fitter and healthier, rather than simply throwing another diet at them.

And I have to say, the section on menopause really caught my attention.

There’s a lot in there that I didn’t know, not just about menopause itself, but about what is happening to our bodies and why losing fat can feel so much harder as we get older.

So if you’re over 40, over 50, or simply wondering why the things that used to work for you suddenly don’t seem to work anymore…

Give it a read.

I dare you.

Because maybe this time it isn’t about trying to become smaller.

Maybe it’s about becoming stronger, healthier and more in control of our own bodies.

And at 53, I reckon that’s a pretty good place to start.